And I'm finally beginning to feel mildly successful.  It feels like I'm losing again.  I went under 140 finally on the 3rd of April, I woke up and I was 139.8.  I had eaten only an apple and almonds the day before.  That day I ate a bit more but not very much.. no substantial meals, just grazing.  I think I had some teddy grahams, a small fry from Burger King and one chicken nugget, a side salad with chunky salsa instead of dressing and I picked all the cheese out and just almonds here and there...., and yesterday I had an apple, almonds, almond butter & flatbreat, and a 160 cal lean cuisine.  139.0 this morning.  So far today for me it has just been almonds.  Jesus I eat a lot of almonds.  I might get a sub or a sandwich today but I'm hoping to split into at least 2 meals..

Updating my goal weights as I failed by last deadline horribly.

HW: 205
CW: 139.0
BMI: 27.1
UGW: 100
GW1: 155
GW2: 150
GW3: 145
GW4: 140
GW5: 139
GW6: 135 4/20
GW7: 129 5/5
GW8: 125 6/10
GW9: 119 7/10
GW10 113 8/14

Fuck fuck fuck
Epic fail.  Ice cream today.  Trail mix.
6 pieces of pizza yesterday.
What the fucking fuck.
About 145 lbs.
Yes there is a reason the title of this is "Fuck fuck fuck..."
I can't seem to get under 140.  I get discouraged and fuck up hardcore and then just make it harder work for myself.
small steps I guess.  Every day is new again.
So 2 lbs by the end of this week?  Sunday/Monday....  Another 1.5- 2 lbs the week after that?
Sounds possible I guess.
Maybe I'd go for a run if I weren't such a floppy fat fuck.  There's noplace to run alone.

no more eating today.

about 1/2 bag of buffalo chicken rice (260)
1 can of tuna (100) w/ about 2 tbsp mayo (180) & 1 low carb wrap (50), 1 slice american cheese (70)
2 cans diet coke
total (660)
i need about 45-50 oz of water to hit my fluids goal for the day.

thinspoCollapse )

Writer's Block: An intimate portrait
If someone wrote a book about your life, what would it be called?

"Elegantly Insignificant"
Because it's beautiful to be a speck in the Universe, dying for knowledge of the Universe, dying for understanding of the man-made reality, and dying to become immortal, but slowly someday dying nonetheless.
Like an hourglass, and Her sand is x as a variable to an equation; an unknown and unmeasurable x.
Everyone is unique.  Everyone is different.  But She cannot wrap her head around anything average because the larger picture is far too large to be seen, made of thing far too small to be understood, but the explanation is...
So Simple...
It's just waiting there.
And it's Her ultimate purpose.
The answer is just waiting there, on the tip of Her tongue, and though Her words will be savored, they are savored by tiny minds.  They are passed from speck to speck and they will die, but Her purpose is fulfilled.

Just to know.

I could cease to exist.  I could pass the information through the Universe, but I need to know.
I cannot die without the last piece of the puzzle.  And I will be the architect of that piece....
Although the puzzle will remain;
Elegantly Insignificant.

Fucked Up
2000 Calories is standard, right?
1200 is the minimum.
Lately anything above 500 seems like a lot to me.
Looks like I'm officially
Fucked. Up.

1180. 165.6
I got all the way to 162 before the holidays, and now I'm at my *new* low of 165.6...  Sucks.
Like when I was down around 140 and then slipped back up.
But only 1180 Calories today.

Looking at University.  Trying to get my life on track....  Some of it anyway.
Taking care of my son, splitting with my husband, attending a University, and I haven't held a job like ever.  Well when I was 16 I worked in a grocery store for a month.  And when I was 18 I worked in a call center for maybe two or three months, but I haven't held a job long term.
IDK what I'm gonna do.
And he's stupid thinking he's gonna support me when I leave and plus another girl and her son and plus his mom and siblings...  all on less than $2000/month.
Yeah.  Good luck with that.  I don't want his stupid handouts.  Just what I'm entitled to TYVM.

I will.
Up here for the world to see, I promise to myself that I will lose at least 50 lbs this year.
I will.


I'm going out of control.
I'm stubborn,
I'm childish,
and I'm broken.

And I'm now 168.2.
How the hell did this happen?  I was losing so fast..
Well, maybe i binged, but how could I gain like 6 lbs in 3 days?  how is that even possible???  I'm hoping to use this binge to speed up my metabolism..  I'm thinking that I'll get all of this eating out of my system over Christmas.. and then once the leftovers are all gone, maybe I'll start a liquid fast.  Yes.  My first liquid fast... 
Well here is my plan .   I'm coming up with it on a whim, so it might not work... and I probably won't stay with it.. but here is my plan...

Day 1-5:: "Health Fast"
Only foods I can eat are rice, fish, vegetables, fruit, and Light Italian Dressing.
Only drinks allowed are water and 0 calorie beverages.

Day 6:: "Binge Day"
Any foods allowed...  Any amounts, go crazy.

Day 7:: "Liquid Fast"
Only liquids allowed.  No calorie restrictions....  Broths, juices, tea, sodas, coffees, etc. are all game.

So that's a 1 week plan.  Not sure how much I can drop on that, but hoping for 5 lbs.  That's the goal... Only 5 lbs.  The plan is to fuck with my metabolism..  Drop some weight eating healthy and maybe slow it down a little, then shock it with a binge and speed it up, and then just when i have it all revved up, to start a liquid fast.. Hoping to burn as much as possible that way... idk.  We'll see how it works if I go through with it... 


Full Body: What do you think?
FattieCollapse )

(no subject)
161.4 and I still don't have the guts to text him. Maybe when I'm lighter?

Haha right. Like that will really help. He can't see me over text messages... How would losing weight help anything? How come I feel like it could solve everything?

New Goal Stats:
AGE: 20
HT: 5'
HW: 205
CW: 161.4
BMI: 31.5
UGW: 100
GW1: 160 Christmas
GW2: 155 1/15
GW3: 149 2/27


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